I was an addict; actually a porn addict to be specific. I would feed and feed my addiction, not knowing how much damage it can do to a life.
I was baptized, said the right words, went to church and a Christian school. But all the while, I was still seeking something more; seeking fulfilment as we all do to fill that void within us. But here I was, living a life of addiction, and being a normal church-going person. How can someone like me commit his life to Christ and not seek him with a pure heart?
"A fresh water spring can not produce both fresh water and salt water. A fig tree can not produce thorns, nor can a thorn tree produce figs."
I was also a perfectionist. It was easy to pretend like everything was ok, that there was nothing utterly wrong with my life. I liked to think that I had my life all figured out, and that I was a good person, well disciplined. After all I did not do drugs, smoke, drink, or any of that jazz. Except, my heart was still focused on something else. I was in addiction. But it seemed all the while normal.
People thought I was good: I had good friends and people liked me. But people did not know my heart. And I was not vulnerable enough to expose the true state of my heart.
My parents went out one night to Bible Study, and I went and fed my addiction. That night my parents found out what had been consuming my life.
It was only until that point did I realize what a mess my life had become. I realized that I was flawed, imperfect, sinful, and had fallen short.
Because of my imperfection, my big problem, my sin, I became depressed. I felt no reason to live. For why live if we can not aspire to consistent perfection?
I often wondered why this would happen to me, or why God would let this happen to me.
One day, I just wanted to get away alone. I fled away from my troubles, all my problems, just to a place where it was just me. I cried out to God, prayed, and waited on Him to answer me.
From that day forward, I consistently felt God assuring me of His love for me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. He loves me despite what I have done, despite my imperfection, despite my flaws. He loves me because He created me. And even though I might have been drifting away from him, He is pursuing me with the same passion and love that Jesus the Son used to bring Him to the point of death for us on the cross.
I felt God's peace come over me. I phased out of this dark season, and invested my life into serving Him in any way possible. God brought me out of a dark season. I started investing my life in missions. I am now clean from my addiction, and look to God for His fulfillment in my life.
I am now a full-time missionary with Youth with a Mission (YWAM), loving to know God and make Him known throughout the world.